Monday, April 03, 2006

The Rites of Spring

I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

Annie Savoy


Anonymous cooper said...

Great prose; makes you wish you could write like that, doesn't it?

BTW, do you have that movie memorized? Don't get me wrong, it is a good movie.

8:57 PM  
Blogger dee said...

Ah, cooper, cooper, cooper...much as I'd like to keep your simple faith alive, I have to confess that is my friend.

And yes,it is a true gift to be able to write like that. Too bad my name wasn't on the tag!

3:06 PM  
Blogger Daedalus said...

i knew there was somewhere deep in my subconscience where i came up with the name for my blog "Church of Baseball."

and i like your politics, too!

6:45 PM  
Anonymous uncleRoy said...

I became agnostic during one of the strikes. On the other hand, I think being a Cubs fan is very appropriate for a Jew, as we're still waiting for the Messiah and may be forever...

Hope you're well.

7:35 AM  
Anonymous cooper said...

dee, I hope you're hard at work honing your "Rites of Summer" post.

7:41 AM  
Blogger dee said...

I'm too superstitious to post anything else. I may just leave it up all season, since The Bless You Boys are doing so well.

9:29 PM  
Anonymous George said...


Thanks for the fun at the Palooza in the woods. It was great to meet everyone.

Can you help me with one (of several) problems?

I am not able to post to FA. Maybe, I am not even posting this to you now. In the off-chance you see this, do you have any idea why I would be unable to post? (other than having my name blacklisted)


9:07 PM  
Blogger dee said...

George -- it was great to meet you, too. What were the odds that no one turned out to be a jerk?

As for FA -- is your email correct? Sometimes when I'm playing with an alter ego (i.e. Keith Richards) I delete my email address too and it won't let me post.

Or maybe your girls fiddled with CyberNanny while you were gone. I'll post this at FA, too in case you check there first.

5:20 PM  
Anonymous George said...

"What were the odds that no one turned out to be a jerk?" ... gee thanks, Dee. That's one of the nicer things anyone said about me.

The FA posting problem must have something to do with the IP for my house since it won't work from the daughter's computer. Various names and e-mails didn't help.

Maybe my house has (robo)rats.

6:38 PM  

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